The Unknowable Man’s spare career (we should all have one) (mine is as a cat walker) is as a Consultant Freelance Philosopher. The public need for such a person is fairly self-evident. Oft have I wished to consult a Consultant Philosopher on the finer points of philosophy for those every-day questions such as:
Why did I walk into this room?
Where have I come from to arrive here?
Does this interesting pile of junk on the kitchen table actually exist?
If I have free will then why is the solicitor charging me?
Why are Fallacies so often pathetic?
And
If this is reality then why does it seem so dusty?
Philosophers tend to ask the really BIG questions, such as
WHY?
HOW?
WHAT?
And
PARDON? (those are the politer philosophers)
An interesting thing about the big questions, I’ve noticed, is that they tend to be very small.
Whereas Relationship Physicists (my other spare career) tend to ask very slightly longer ones:
‘How do you tell if a man fancies you?’ tends very much to be the favourite.
So, in a spirit of trying to find something in common with the man I’m sleeping with I will now attempt to discover:
How to tell if a man fancies you using philosophy-
Step 1: ask the BIG questions
why do I want to know if he fancies me?
how will I know if he fancies me?
what does ‘fancies’ actually mean?
pardon me for asking.
Step 2: answer the BIG questions
This can obviously only be done in a personal context but if you’re stuck then some examination of the types of knowledge such as a priori and a posteriori (most relevant here) will probably be as useless as anything else.
Step 3: come to a philosophical conclusions. Popular ones include:
‘Something so paradoxical that no one will believe it.’
‘An infinite capacity for taking things for granted.’
‘Some touch of madness.’
And
‘Fuck knows.’
All in all I’m beginning to suspect that philosophy may not be the way forward for the Big Question. As a famous philosopher said:
‘Science is what you know. Philosophy is what you don't know.’
And as a famous scientist said:
‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results.’
Perhaps it’s time to stop asking The Question. Surely we all really know the answer. 42.
Showing posts with label How to Tell if Someone Fancies You. Show all posts
Showing posts with label How to Tell if Someone Fancies You. Show all posts
Tuesday, 16 September 2008
Wednesday, 6 August 2008
How to Tell if a Person Fancies You Using the Laws of Chemistry
They say it’s all about chemistry. Or at least it’s a ‘valued quality’ for an ideal match on Soulmates. They don’t have physics. Which leaves me wondering if there’s really a place in the world for Relationship Physicists. I think I may have to convert to being the Relationships Chemist.
So – How to tell if a man fancies you using the laws of chemistry:
First let us examine the science of Chemical Kinetics. This seems relevant as movement and collision are involved.
Rate of reaction –
Factors that affect the rate of reaction:
Physical state:
If your target person is in a poor physical state (wobbly, purple, limbs arranged in a Picasso-esque manner or a bit Dali around the edges) this will have a detrimental effect on his/her ability to react. Reaction times will be slowed. Therefore they may fancy you but you will have to wait a year or so to find out.
Concentration:
‘Concentration plays an important role in reactions’ (this is a direct quote) (that’s why I’ve used the quotation marks) (not just for effect). From this we infer that if your target soul is not concentrating he/she may simply forget to fancy you and fancy something else that passes by their field of vision, like a chair, a pint or a small woodlouse. This may make you feel like a small woodlouse. Or a chair. Or liquid.
Temperature:
Folk of a higher temperature have more thermal energy. More thermal energy may lead them to remove some outer layers. Or some inner layers. Do not confuse this with attraction. It’s them that’s hot. Not you.
Catalysts:
Whilst the catalyst remains unchanged during the reaction the elements involved undergo a transformation of some sort or another. Catalysts can range from ‘beer goggles’ to ‘wine piz-nez’ to ‘cocaine blindfolds’ to ‘crowd spectacles’ (this time I used the quotation marks for erroneous effect). I heartily recommend them all. It may be your only hope.
Equilibrium:
Doesn’t come into it.
Interestingly Beer’s Law may give some clue as to how to actually get a person to fancy you. It states that there is a dependency between the transmission of light through a substance (this obviously includes attire) and the coefficient of intensity. I’ve always liked Beer.
So – How to tell if a man fancies you using the laws of chemistry:
First let us examine the science of Chemical Kinetics. This seems relevant as movement and collision are involved.
Rate of reaction –
Factors that affect the rate of reaction:
Physical state:
If your target person is in a poor physical state (wobbly, purple, limbs arranged in a Picasso-esque manner or a bit Dali around the edges) this will have a detrimental effect on his/her ability to react. Reaction times will be slowed. Therefore they may fancy you but you will have to wait a year or so to find out.
Concentration:
‘Concentration plays an important role in reactions’ (this is a direct quote) (that’s why I’ve used the quotation marks) (not just for effect). From this we infer that if your target soul is not concentrating he/she may simply forget to fancy you and fancy something else that passes by their field of vision, like a chair, a pint or a small woodlouse. This may make you feel like a small woodlouse. Or a chair. Or liquid.
Temperature:
Folk of a higher temperature have more thermal energy. More thermal energy may lead them to remove some outer layers. Or some inner layers. Do not confuse this with attraction. It’s them that’s hot. Not you.
Catalysts:
Whilst the catalyst remains unchanged during the reaction the elements involved undergo a transformation of some sort or another. Catalysts can range from ‘beer goggles’ to ‘wine piz-nez’ to ‘cocaine blindfolds’ to ‘crowd spectacles’ (this time I used the quotation marks for erroneous effect). I heartily recommend them all. It may be your only hope.
Equilibrium:
Doesn’t come into it.
Interestingly Beer’s Law may give some clue as to how to actually get a person to fancy you. It states that there is a dependency between the transmission of light through a substance (this obviously includes attire) and the coefficient of intensity. I’ve always liked Beer.
Sunday, 6 July 2008
How to Talk to Men in the Not Real World
Having recently retired from internet dating I decided that what I needed to do was practice talking to men in the real world. Since I don’t live in the real world this proved tricky. So I practiced talking to men in the gym.
This is what happened:
Expedition 1 -
I sat down at the rowing machine. A man sat down at the rowing machine next to me. So far so good. I chatted for a jolly thousand meters or so on topics as wide ranging as my children, my children and my children. The man was moderately interested in the theme. Even had a word or two on the subject himself. I then realised that it was the ex-Beloved and father of the aforementioned offspring. Still, at least I’d spoken to a man.
Expedition 2 –
I sat down at the rowing machine. A man sat down at the rowing machine next to me. So far so good. I checked that it wasn’t the ex-Beloved. It appeared not. Conveniently the display on his machine was broken. I helpfully suggested that if he followed me stroke for stroke he’d know how far he’d gone. He ran away.
Expedition 3 –
I waded into the Jacuzzi. A man was sitting next to me. We sat watching the swirling waters for some time. He looked at the clock. I said ‘What time is it?’ He said ‘Ten to ten’. I said ‘Thanks, I haven’t got my glasses on and am therefore completely blind.’ He laughed a nervous high-pitch laugh. He got out to reveal that he was wearing a bikini.
Expedition 4 –
I waded into the Jacuzzi. A man waded in next to me. I peered as closely as I could to ensure a genuine gender check. We sat watching the swirling waters for some time. He looked at the clock. I said ‘What time is it?’ He said ‘Ten to ten’. I said ‘Thanks, I haven’t got my glasses on and am therefore completely blind.’ He laughed a reassuringly deep although nervous laugh. ‘You look like a nice sort of chap.’ I ventured. He may or may not have smiled. At last, a result.
This real-world stuff seems a lot safer and more productive than online romance.
This is what happened:
Expedition 1 -
I sat down at the rowing machine. A man sat down at the rowing machine next to me. So far so good. I chatted for a jolly thousand meters or so on topics as wide ranging as my children, my children and my children. The man was moderately interested in the theme. Even had a word or two on the subject himself. I then realised that it was the ex-Beloved and father of the aforementioned offspring. Still, at least I’d spoken to a man.
Expedition 2 –
I sat down at the rowing machine. A man sat down at the rowing machine next to me. So far so good. I checked that it wasn’t the ex-Beloved. It appeared not. Conveniently the display on his machine was broken. I helpfully suggested that if he followed me stroke for stroke he’d know how far he’d gone. He ran away.
Expedition 3 –
I waded into the Jacuzzi. A man was sitting next to me. We sat watching the swirling waters for some time. He looked at the clock. I said ‘What time is it?’ He said ‘Ten to ten’. I said ‘Thanks, I haven’t got my glasses on and am therefore completely blind.’ He laughed a nervous high-pitch laugh. He got out to reveal that he was wearing a bikini.
Expedition 4 –
I waded into the Jacuzzi. A man waded in next to me. I peered as closely as I could to ensure a genuine gender check. We sat watching the swirling waters for some time. He looked at the clock. I said ‘What time is it?’ He said ‘Ten to ten’. I said ‘Thanks, I haven’t got my glasses on and am therefore completely blind.’ He laughed a reassuringly deep although nervous laugh. ‘You look like a nice sort of chap.’ I ventured. He may or may not have smiled. At last, a result.
This real-world stuff seems a lot safer and more productive than online romance.
Sunday, 16 March 2008
How to Tell if Someone Fancies You – The Reprise
Yes, we are back on the BIG question. The question that more people find my blog through than any other question ever asked of Google. The question that supersedes the ‘Life the Universe and Everything’ question, the question that is more important than ‘Did God or Douglas Adams Make the World?’ the question that may even outrank ‘Where did I Leave My Glasses?’:
‘How Can I Tell if Someone Fancies Me?’
Since now 1,589,235 folk have asked this question of me I feel it my moral duty to try and answer it in the most up to date and scientific way possible. Using Quantum Physics.
Let us first consider first principles:
It is understood that in the realms of Quantum Physics that there are ‘observables’. These are –
Energy:
Does the target of your question move? If he/she has life then there is obviously hope. If they are moving towards you in a slow and controlled manner then there is definitely hope (as long as they don’t miss and continue to travel in a slow and controlled manner out of the nearest door/window/porthole). If they are moving away from you at a sufficient spend to cause a noticeable Doppler shift then you might want to realign your sights a tad.
Position:
If the target person is either horizontal or vertical and at a distance (anything over six inches is considered a distance in Quantum terms) from you then that bodes a little ill. If they are horizontal or vertical and in direct contact that’s a good sign, especially if they are naked. If your target person varies in angle between zero degrees and 360 degrees then they are probably drunk and you need to repeat the experiment on a more auspicious day.
Momentum:
Does your target person have momentum? If yes then be careful. If no then go home.
All the above can be either ‘continuous’ or ‘discreet’. The more discreet they are obviously the more difficult it is to judge just the extent of the Energy, Position and Momentum. Discretion, although the better part of valour, is in this case a pain in the arse. If you are experiencing a pain in the arse (and that’s not your sort of thing) then my advice is give up the question in question because even if they do fancy you it is all going to go horribly wrong with possible chaffing and visits to chemists.
Another problem that we in the Quantum Physics world (I’ve just awarded myself a higher degree in Quantum Physics on the simple principal that if my daughter is to have one, and the well know truism ‘Mother knows best’ holds true it is therefore completely possible, nay, probable that I too should have a pretentious qualification in what is, let’s face it, not so much a science as an elaborate guessing game) is that everything, including one’s fate, one’s target fanciable person, and the whereabouts of one’s glasses are essentially unpredictable and random.
It’s interesting, isn’t it, how, although on the surface Quantum Physics sounds unlikely, when one delves into it it transpires to be remarkably applicable to everyday life.
So, with that in mind, why not emulate the famous Quantum Thought Experiment that so many cats have enjoyed to discover just whether or not he/she fancies you?
This is how to do it:
Imagine your target person in a box. Obviously it is better to use a larger box than Mr Schrodinger favoured as you are putting a person in the box and not your best feline friend. Or if you are going down the cat route there are a lot easier ways to make a cat fancy you than a person. Use cat food.
Next understand the very important bit, the Quantum Physicsy bit. At this exact moment, and all the time that the box is shut and you are not peeping in any way, the person simultaneously fancies you and doesn’t fancy you. And is also simultaneously dead and alive.
Next open the box.
All will be revealed.
These are the possibilities:
1. Person is dead and did fancy you
2. Person is dead and didn’t fancy you
3. Person is alive and doesn’t fancy you
4. Person is alive and does fancy you.
As any amateur mathematician and us people with higher degrees in Quantum Physics can observe there is only a one in four chance of a favourable outcome.
I have a better idea. Which, for reasons that are quite inexplicable, Mr Schrodinger seems to have overlooked: Don’t open the box. Then it is absolutely certain that the person is alive and fancies you. As all the possibilities are still possible.
Should you have accidentally opened the box, drilled a small hole to look through or inadvertently left your webcam in there don’t worry. According to Mr Everett (not Kenny, Hugh) everything actually happens. So should the object of your desire shun you, break your heart and generally not cooperate with your well-planned fantasies then you have the consolation of knowing that somewhere, out there, in a parallel universe, all your dearest hopes dreams and desires are being fulfilled. You just don’t happen to be there.
‘How Can I Tell if Someone Fancies Me?’
Since now 1,589,235 folk have asked this question of me I feel it my moral duty to try and answer it in the most up to date and scientific way possible. Using Quantum Physics.
Let us first consider first principles:
It is understood that in the realms of Quantum Physics that there are ‘observables’. These are –
Energy:
Does the target of your question move? If he/she has life then there is obviously hope. If they are moving towards you in a slow and controlled manner then there is definitely hope (as long as they don’t miss and continue to travel in a slow and controlled manner out of the nearest door/window/porthole). If they are moving away from you at a sufficient spend to cause a noticeable Doppler shift then you might want to realign your sights a tad.
Position:
If the target person is either horizontal or vertical and at a distance (anything over six inches is considered a distance in Quantum terms) from you then that bodes a little ill. If they are horizontal or vertical and in direct contact that’s a good sign, especially if they are naked. If your target person varies in angle between zero degrees and 360 degrees then they are probably drunk and you need to repeat the experiment on a more auspicious day.
Momentum:
Does your target person have momentum? If yes then be careful. If no then go home.
All the above can be either ‘continuous’ or ‘discreet’. The more discreet they are obviously the more difficult it is to judge just the extent of the Energy, Position and Momentum. Discretion, although the better part of valour, is in this case a pain in the arse. If you are experiencing a pain in the arse (and that’s not your sort of thing) then my advice is give up the question in question because even if they do fancy you it is all going to go horribly wrong with possible chaffing and visits to chemists.
Another problem that we in the Quantum Physics world (I’ve just awarded myself a higher degree in Quantum Physics on the simple principal that if my daughter is to have one, and the well know truism ‘Mother knows best’ holds true it is therefore completely possible, nay, probable that I too should have a pretentious qualification in what is, let’s face it, not so much a science as an elaborate guessing game) is that everything, including one’s fate, one’s target fanciable person, and the whereabouts of one’s glasses are essentially unpredictable and random.
It’s interesting, isn’t it, how, although on the surface Quantum Physics sounds unlikely, when one delves into it it transpires to be remarkably applicable to everyday life.
So, with that in mind, why not emulate the famous Quantum Thought Experiment that so many cats have enjoyed to discover just whether or not he/she fancies you?
This is how to do it:
Imagine your target person in a box. Obviously it is better to use a larger box than Mr Schrodinger favoured as you are putting a person in the box and not your best feline friend. Or if you are going down the cat route there are a lot easier ways to make a cat fancy you than a person. Use cat food.
Next understand the very important bit, the Quantum Physicsy bit. At this exact moment, and all the time that the box is shut and you are not peeping in any way, the person simultaneously fancies you and doesn’t fancy you. And is also simultaneously dead and alive.
Next open the box.
All will be revealed.
These are the possibilities:
1. Person is dead and did fancy you
2. Person is dead and didn’t fancy you
3. Person is alive and doesn’t fancy you
4. Person is alive and does fancy you.
As any amateur mathematician and us people with higher degrees in Quantum Physics can observe there is only a one in four chance of a favourable outcome.
I have a better idea. Which, for reasons that are quite inexplicable, Mr Schrodinger seems to have overlooked: Don’t open the box. Then it is absolutely certain that the person is alive and fancies you. As all the possibilities are still possible.
Should you have accidentally opened the box, drilled a small hole to look through or inadvertently left your webcam in there don’t worry. According to Mr Everett (not Kenny, Hugh) everything actually happens. So should the object of your desire shun you, break your heart and generally not cooperate with your well-planned fantasies then you have the consolation of knowing that somewhere, out there, in a parallel universe, all your dearest hopes dreams and desires are being fulfilled. You just don’t happen to be there.
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