How Not to Test if a Man Fancies You

Something odd is going on. Someone is using my distorted laws of relationships to understand the laws of science.

This is what he wrote (his name is Bryan) ‘you've done a great service to all the budding scientists of the world’ and there I was thinking I was doing a service to all budding confused potential lovers in the world.

So I’m thinking maybe I’ve got this all wrong, backwards or somewhat distorted. Perhaps I should be using the basic laws of relationships to understand the laws of science.

And so I was lead to attempt to find out what exactly the basic laws of relationships are. This was a while ago. There was a fairly major problem. There are none. Or at least all the ones I was offered on a famous search engine and online encyclopaedia differed from each other. As any dedicated researcher like myself knows that means that there are none.

Why has no one applied the scientific method of proof to the field of relationships? It seems simple enough. All that is required is the use of observation and experimentation to obtain a law.

Hence I took it upon myself to do so.

This is what happened.

Hypothesis tested:
Man fancies Woman

Equipment used:
Man
Woman
Test tube

Method:
Put Man and Woman together in a test tube, mix thoroughly and observe what happens. (Note – I couldn’t find a test tube of sufficient size so I had to put the Man and the Woman near a test tube instead) (Also note that I didn’t actually have a man to participate in the experiment so I had to use a cat instead) (so for Man read cat).

Results:
1. Man and Woman had interesting conversation about test tubes.
2. Man and Woman tried to use test tube to grow a baby.
3. Man had a nice purr and snuggled down on Woman’s lap.
4. Man discovered that there was a mouse/football in the next room so he left.
5. Woman washed up test tube and went to bed.

Conclusions:
Probably not.

So – Basic Relationship Law 1:
Men don’t fancy women if they are cats and not men. But they think they’re okish.

Obviously there is a lot more work to do. I’m applying for a research grant. Or donations. Please. This is important work. Also if there are any men out there interested in furthering my research please contact me as the cat is not all that cooperative.

And Bryan – research suggestions always welcome as I can see now the whole reverse field is fraught with hazard. And cats.

How Not to Take Advice – Or How To Get a Man To Fancy You

There are a number of things I’d like to know, these include, (obviously),
‘How to tell if a man fancies me?’
Why would I want a man to fancy me?’
‘How to get a man to fancy me?’
‘Wherefore art thou Romeo’
and, the thing that I really really want to know:

‘How the hell do I get the fucking cat hair of every last piece of furniture/item of clothing/person in the house?’

I have cats. I love them. Mostly.

The times I don’t love them is when they bring me things like dead things, half-dead things and things that really should be dead. And when they eat the Physicist’s Very Important Friend’s blueberry muffin. And the whole hair thing.

But I have an answer. Or rather, I have something that has the answer. My google iPage ‘How To’ gadget.

I typed in ‘How to Remove Cat Hairs’

This is what happened:

The first article told me to get a roll of sticky tape and roll the tape on my hand and roll my hand on the hair.
I did that.
Now I’m typing one-handed.

The second article was entitled ‘How to Get Cat Hair Off Your Tongue’, it went thus:
1. Swallow the cat hair half-way, so it is still in your throat.
2. Move your tongue along where the hair is, to move it on the side of your mouth.
3. Get the hair on the tip of your tongue.
4. Pick it off with your hand.
I got as far as 1. I tried 4. and removed most of my tongue with the tape.

The third article was entitled ‘How to Shave a Cat’. Now that sounded like a sensible solution. A certain amount of flailing and general cat tussling ensued. However the cat, for reasons best know to itself, objected.

Another solution was to bathe the cat. Same problem as the shaving really.

Now, not only is every surface of the house covered in cat hair, so am I.

Finally it offered me ‘How to do Animal Makeup’. I painted my face as a cat, I am covered in fur.

I googled ‘Do Men Like Cats?’

A certain Franny Syufy assured me ‘Real Men Love Cats’

Fucking sorted.