How Not to Meditate

Last night I watched a program about meditation. I have found my true path in life, I shall follow in the steps of Kathy Sykes (for she too is a scientist). I have decided to become a more spiritual person.

Gone are all my previous aspirations to run a business, be very rich, general world domination and evil baddie laughter. Shunned are my desires for yachts, palaces, new tiles in the bathroom and a tin-opener that actually opens tins as opposed to just denting them in artistic manners. For therein does not lie the path to true happiness.

My new bywords are ‘calm’, ‘peace’ ‘que sera sera’ ‘carpe diem’ and ‘ex-libris’. Gone are ‘fuck’, ‘fucked’, ‘fucking’, ‘fucking hell’ and ‘botheration’. For therein does not lie the path to true happiness.

So instead I am meditating.

I’ve learnt a lot.

Here are a few meditation do’s and don’ts:

Do think of nothing.
Don’t think of what’s for dinner.
Do think of nothing.
Don’t think about the burning smells.
Do think of nothing.
Don’t let both you legs go to sleep so when you stand up you don’t.
Do think of nothing.
Don’t think about the smoke alarms’ unpleasant noise.
Do keep your mind very empty.
Don’t stop breathing.
Do remember that you die if you don’t breathe.
Don’t speculate about smoke.
Do keep calm.
Don’t wonder about the crackling noises.
Do not panic.

Gone are my desires for worldly goods, food, kitchens, houses. For therein does not lie the path to true happiness. Gone are my desires for partners, soulmates, sex, love, with only one small exception – firemen. For therein lies the path to true happiness.

How Not to Find Out if You are Still on the Rebound

A man called Newton (also a keen fruit-catcher and turner of base things into gold) declared one sunny day (it might not of been actually sunny but it enhances the story) (pathetic fallacy) in a deep sonorous voice –
‘Every action has an equal and opposite reaction’.

This is what’s known as ‘being on the rebound’.

The consoling thing about science it that it can be applied to all situations. Because it is inherently true. Possibly.

So, this is today’s question (we have temporarily put aside the ‘how can I tell if a man fancies me?’) (pathetic fallacy):

‘Am I Still on the Rebound?’

Here’s where the science comes in. ‘Every action has an equal and opposite reaction’. Ergo if one body falls in love the other body falls out of love. The difficulty is discovering exactly which body is yours.

Case 1: You fall in love. Your partner falls out of love. Therefore, according to Newtonian physics you will then react by falling out of love and your partner will have the equal and opposite reaction which is probably going to the pub. To this you are compelled by science to become tea-total. In response your partner must become an alcoholic.

Case 2: You fall out of love. Your partner falls in love. With someone else. You are then compelled to react by falling in love again, in all likelihood with your partner. Who is now your ex. His equal and opposite reaction will to be to fall out of love with the pub and become tea-total. And you are driven to drink.

Essentially anyone can see that this is an awful tangle. The laws of Newtonian physics are solely responsible for all the divorces and drink-related problems that have occurred since Newton was in britches.

Yet the question is answered quite clearly and unequivocally. Given that ‘Every action has an equal and opposite reaction’ then the answer is obviously ‘never’. Rebound is perpetual motion.

This is why Einstein was compelled to invent Relativity.

The One with the Pigeon

There’s a pigeon by the car. It’s big. A Wood Pigeon I strongly suspect, although I haven’t asked it. Mostly because it’s dead.

I’m not one of those people who object to pigeons per se. Indeed I believe that they are fine upstanding members of the bird community. Their gentle cooing can get a tad annoying if directly outside an open window on a day with a hangover, but nevertheless, pigeons are ok.

Should the aforementioned pigeon have been a bit more alive I would have greeted it with a cheery ‘Greetings pigeon!!!!!!!’. Maybe or maybe not with that number of exclamation marks. It was neither mine nor the pigeon’s fault that in fact I greeted it with a resounding ergggggggg and a slight shiver followed by a meandering feeling of nausea.

I have a bit of a difficulty with dead things. It is perhaps inexplicable or possibly rooted in a deep psychological problem that stemmed from an incident in my childhood that I have erased from my memory (a wise move).

My attempts to erase the pigeon from my memory have so far failed. One might not think that one dead and silent pigeon would be a major obstacle to my day. One might think very wrongly.

It is by the car. Dead. On it’s back. Probably to illustrate just how very dead it is. I therefore cannot get into the car. It is causing an obstruction.

‘Why the hell don’t you just move the sodding pigeon?’ I hear you ask. Although you may not have sworn.

I have a bit of a problem with dead things.

Even small dead things are not good. From woodlice up I start to be quite irrational. Mammals are the worst but birds come a short second. It is very lucky that I have never had to move a human corpse. Even the sight (previous) of the Beloved (previous) asleep could be quite disturbing. Thus at least the world can be assured that it is unlikely that I would murder anyone as the impossibility of moving the body, tying concrete triangles to their feet and throwing them into Hudson Bay is, essentially, an overwhelming obstacle. When the detectives begin their in-depth investigation re the murderer of whoever the first person they always eliminate is me. Because of this obstacle.

Like the pigeon.

I can’t get in the car. So I can’t go to the Coop to get milk. Or bread. We are going to starve to death. Thirst to death.

But I am not a woman without initiative. I have a plan. I will text the Beloved ‘Help! Dead pigeon!!!’ Using exactly that number of exclamation marks. He will leap out of the arms of his new Beloved and rescue me. Or I will starve to death and he will have to move my body, tie concrete triangles to my feet and throw me into Hudson Bay. But prior to that he will have to move the pigeon. In order to get to the car. So, either way, I win.