How Probably Not to Get a Life

Today I joined Facebook. Mostly due to peer pressure. Peer pressure is a powerful tool when used in the right way. When used in the wrong way it is about as useful as a broken drill, a lawnmower that won’t start or a strimmer that has run out of petrol. All of which I have, so I know just how useful they are when it comes to using them.

This is what happened:

I got an email. From my sister. It said

I've requested to add you as a friend on Facebook. You can use Facebook to see the profiles of the people around you, share photos, and connect with friends.Thanks,Andrea

You’ll note no kisses or anything. And just a friend. Not a sister. Don’t they have sisters on Facebook? However I liked the idea of connecting with friends and seeing their profiles (I’d have preferred to see them front-on but beggars can’t be choosers or whatever) so I made myself a Facebook for this express purpose. And connecting with sisters.

This is really where the problems started. They kept asking me difficult questions. Like those fucking machines in the gym. They ask difficult questions too. Things like how old I am, how much I weigh, what exactly am I intending to do on this machine, why exercise machines aren’t oranges, what is the meaning of life and is there any point to it. ‘Come on machine!’ I cry, ‘You asked me all this only yesterday! Have you no memory? What is the meaning of life? Is there any point to it?’ The machine generally whirrs gently and smells of a previous occupant’s sweat. This, I feel, is no answer to anything.

So, Facebook. Questions. Questions that made me stop and examine the meaning of life and if there was any point to it. It started ok; I aced ‘basic’ because I knew some pretty tricky stuff like my birthday, that my political views were definitely ‘other’ and that my religion was blank. I even coped with the ‘contact’ page by leaving most of it blank and then listing far too many websites for a decent and legal human being to be involved in. It was the ‘relationships’ page that left me completely flummoxed.

First it asked if I was interested in men or women. I ticked both.

Then it asked if my relationship status was;
Single
In a relationship
Engaged
Married
It’s complicated
or
In an open relationship
Ok, fine, but I WAS ONLY ALLOWED TO CHOOSE 1 OPTION.
I would have of course been able to rule out ‘engaged’ but would have put myself down as single, in a relationship, married, it’s complicated AND in an open relationship.
I opted for ‘single’. See how my life has simplified itself beyond the bounds of reason and sexual gratification?

Finally it asked what I was looking for –
Friendship
Dating
A relationship
Random play
or
Whatever I can get

Luckily (and thank you all deities for this luck) I was allowed to choose all of them. So I did. I don’t think that sounds too desperate does it?