How Not to Internet Date (Again)

The internet dating voyeurism is hotting up a pace. Someone from Match.com winked at me. I winked back.

Truth be told it’s not really very satisfying. It feels somewhat shallow as relationships go. I expect it to continue like this for some time. Probably because neither of us can be bothered to pay the subscription. So all we are left with is winking. It’s tiring on the eyelid and leaves one feeling a tad lopsided.

But then I got an email from a man. Warning me that the incidence of STDs amongst the over 45s was on the increase. It would have been quite exciting, implying that he was willing to share his STD with me, or at least prevent sharing his STD with me. Only the man was my brother. He’d heard this good news on Woman’s Hour. At least I’m reassured that there’s a man with a feminine side out there concerned with my welfare. I told him that my life of celibacy is hardly likely to lead me to the land of STDs. He recommended that I try a different kind of internet dating site.

This is what happened:

I logged on the Parship.co.uk as advised. The premise behind this site is that finding the perfect mate is not down to good looks, chemical attraction, shared beliefs, STDs or the last Rolo. It’s all about psychology.

Simply take the simple compatibility-profiling test and the site will give you a list of simply compatible people who are a good psychological match.

I suspect that this is the hard drugs of internet dating. I’m beginning to wonder if this dabbling in dating sites is leading to true addiction.

I took the test. Twice. Under two different names. Is this illegal?

I had to answer questions as far reaching as the North Circular Road, as probing as my dibber and as questionable as my blog. There were even picture questions, I was expecting inkblots but none turned up, much to my disappointment.

They sent me my matches. Twice. Interesting men included someone in the military, an oil engineer and an egomaniac. I wasn’t allowed to see their pictures because I hadn’t paid the subscription. I’m beginning to think that the last Rolo thing is better than psychology. Chocolate usually is.

Now I’ve signed up to Datingdirect.com.

Can one get help for this sort of addiction?