My True Identity Revealed

I have discovered my true identity. This is groundbreaking stuff.

Much research, meditation, trips to India, ashramming, pursuing of religious fervour and hiring of Life Coaches goes on in the world for people to discover their true identity. I used none of the aforementioned methods. I had a revelatory moment. In the changing room of the gym.

All the pieces of my disparate personality began to make sense. Things like:

My fondness for large bags and umbrellas
Why snapping my fingers is so effective
My knack of bursting into song at any given moment
My winning ways with children
Why I am revered by penguins
How I can understand fake cockney accents
My general ability to defeat gravity
The cut of my coat
My charming cloche hat
Why sometimes my feet might turn outward
Why I am practically perfect

This is what happened:
I was in the gym changing rooms preparing to leave. I glanced at myself in the mirror. I am the spitting image of Mary Poppins. I am Mary Poppins.

I said to the Lawyer – ‘Look! See there!’ I pointed at the mirror, ‘I am Mary Poppins!’

She said ‘I know, but I didn’t like to mention it.’

How to Rule the World

The physicist is a top contender to be voted ‘Most Likely to Rule the World’. I feel democracy is on the up with this sort of poll. Fuck ‘Prime Minister’ or ‘Welsh Assembly Personage’ or even ‘person to represent a very small lane with only nine houses on it’. We need to be more forward looking in our voting habits.

When she rules the world she has a cunning plan to stop wars forever. This is it:

The earth will no longer be divided into countries according to geographical location, land mass and where they happen to be. It will be divided into regions consistent with political, religious and musical belief. Hence all the Liberal Democrats will live in, say, what used to be Switzerland, and all the Baptists will live in, for example, a place that has lots of water for baptismal purposes and all fans of folk music will live in a place with lots of folk. Consequently, the physicist believes, everyone will be happy surrounded by people of agreeable views, dispositions and slightly dodgy taste.

This, I think, is probably why physicists don’t rule the world.

She has no other policies. Except that custard must be freely available to all for the purposes of running on.

The beloved, on the other hand, should he be in the position of ruling the world, has a very strong raft of new innovative laws that he would enact immediately, forthwith and without a moments delay. When I say raft, I mean one. This is it:

Ban cucumbers.

This, I think, is probably why academics don’t rule the world.

Of course now I am thinking, should I be in such a position of power, what would I do? How could I make this place I have complete sovereign over a happier, more contented and generally jollier corner of the universe to live in? The trend so far seems to be that just one solution is needed. A bit like the idea that strings are the answer to the mysteries of the universe. Or that bioyoghurts in quirkily shaped containers are the secret to eternal life. So this is it:

Ban Rulers of the World.

This, I think, is probably why writers don’t rule the world. They already have.