How to Choose a New Computer

I’ve been to PC World. It is a secret why I went, let it just be said that someone’s birthday is soon. And it isn’t the cat’s. So don’t tell daughter the younger any of the following. This is what happened:

A great deal of people were standing bemusedly in front of computers. Trying to decide which one to buy. Luckily the aforementioned computer emporium had a display beneath each computer to enlighten the customer. Or not.

Computers, as you may well have noticed, have a great deal of mysterious attributes that are seldom explained in layperson terms. This is probably my opportunity to do so. So I will do so:

Operating System – essentially the belief system for the machine. Most computers are agnostics. They are waiting for indisputable evidence before they will believe in a god. This is diametrically opposed to most computer users who are forced by believe in a god because prayer has been proven the most effective method of computer management.

Computer Processor- like any other processor really. For example a food processor – you put perfectly good food in and mush comes out. Or a person – you put perfectly good food in and shit comes out. In the case of a computer you put perfectly good food in and nothing comes out. Constipation is common complaint of computers.

Hard Drive – strangely this is another word for memory. They called it that when they couldn’t remember the word for memory. That’s why it’s hard. The drive bit was simply an afterthought to make is sound sexy and a bit like a car. Specifically the sort of memory computer geeks have, you know, that remembers facts and figures and very little of interest unless you actually put something interesting in. Then you can seldom find it. This is where RAM comes in to play

RAM – the sort of memory that works things out. So not like memory at all. Although it does stand for Random Access Memory. It’s the word Random that is important. RAM is like real human memory. You try and remember where you have left your car keys and end up remembering obscure bits of poetry from the latter half of the sixteenth century.

USB – Universal Series Bus is what it stands for. No, not even I, understand what the hell that is. The closest one might guess at is that it was named after an incident where a double decker met quantum physics several times. In fact it is just a thingy that you put in a slot. There are more terms for this particular activity than any other known to humankind and I feel USB is really one of the worst.

Monitor – the bit you look at. But we all know it’s really the bit that looks at you. The only computer part that was named after what it actually does.

So, people in PC World. Looking at computers. Trying to decide which one to buy. They run their fingers slowly over the helpful labels and try and think profoundly about RAM and USBs and the meaning of the universe. This boggles their brains but they try not to looked boggled as then surely they would not be deserving of a brand new computer if they can’t even grasp the basics. Well of course they can’t. Because I hadn’t yet written the above useful information. So what do they do? Lacking in a time machine to bring them forward to this blog that would make everything clear (the time machines are in the store next door in a different multiverse) they are forced to judge the computer on other criteria. Here are the criteria they appeared to be using-

How many times they can randomly press keys before getting bored
Smell
If their toddler was about to have a tantrum
Colour
Whether or not touching the computer sets off the security alarms
Feel
How many times they could randomly click the mouse before getting bored
How many pretty lights it had
Whether the desktop was a sunset or a picture of a dog with a very unlikely hat (the latter seemed more popular)
Taste

Finally, after much deliberation, slapping of screaming toddlers, setting off of alarms and nibbling cables they choose the computer of their dreams. Hooray. Clutching their credit cards they then set off to find a charming salesperson to deal with their request. Several hours later they leave the store running. It seems that the only way to get a computer out of PC World was to steal one.