Who Actually Buys Stuff from Those Catalogues?

One of the big questions that face the world today is ‘Who the hell actually buys anything from those insane catalogues that come through the door, fall out of every magazine, arrive by matter transport on the kitchen table, and omisisify by the loo?’

You know the ones. They have handy items like electric ear cleaners, amazing widgets to clean parts of your house you didn’t know you had and over 1000 different cunning devices of removing hair you hope you will never have.

Well now I know. It’s people who have broken their feet.

‘My God yes!!!’ I found myself exclaiming. ‘That is exactly what I need!!!’ You can see how exclaiming I felt from the masses of exclamation marks.

Soothing stockings, shower stools, deluxe toilet safety supports, infra red joint supports, folding walking sticks, matter-transport devices and small models of Captain Picard. To name but a few of the more obvious items that I merrily jotted on the order form.

These things will really make my life so much more enjoyable. But I didn’t stop there. Once I got the hang of it I discovered that actually I needed more.

A cat repellent. Why did I never think of buying that before? I could repel snotty cat and thus through his disgust he could begin to empathise with my disgust of his snottyness.

A sheet suspender. No more sleeping on a lumpy mattress once my sheets were suspended. Fantastic. I could deploy my small Captain Picard here too.

A companion table. Who needs men when one can have a meaningful relationship with a piece of furniture? And truly it looked very sexy. Well, compared to some men.

No rinse dog shampoo. Ok, I don’t have a dog, but really, now I wouldn’t have to rinse one either. Stunning.

Then and now music centre. Don’t know what that means but the picture looked like it was a wooden bus. What could be more useful?

I’m now awaiting the postman with more than eager anticipation of a better life.

Not only that, but by the time I have finished paying for my better life my foot will be better and I will be able to do something more useful than browse catalogues and play with small figurines of Captain Picard. No, actually sorry, that is useful.