Firstly though I would like to put in an important word for all disabled people, whether of a temporary nature or not. Because this is what I’ve discovered:
When lacking the use of the usual number of limbs, things take longer. Ordinary things take very much longer. Things I used to take for granted, like having a wee, or making a cup of tea (obviously important not to get those to confused no matter how limb-challenged one is) take very very much longer. Here is a simple but illustrative example –
Doing the Laundry Whilst on Crutches
Clothes on the floor cannot be picked up by the usual method. Therefore any stray knicker must be lifted chopstick-style with the crutches. This leads to a balancing-on-one-leg-bending-over-at-the-same-time situation. Dangerous. And I’m a yoga teacher, trained for years in the art of balancing-on-one-leg-bending-over-at-the-same-time situations. Nevertheless I fall. Risking further purple appendages.
Having put clothes in basket it turns out that it is impossible to carry aforementioned wicker receptacle. It must be pushed curling style (that Scottish ice game not the hair fashion) along the floors until it reaches the machine. This is especially fun down the stairs. Again risking further purple appendage situations.
Having reached the washing machine it is best to sit on the floor in order to load the device. That’s ok. It’s getting back up that proves impossible.
Hence one is stuck for half an hour watching clothes spin their merry way around a small glass window. I used to park Daughter the Younger in front of the machine for just this purpose. I feel deeply guilty about that now.
On the up side one is in the right place to unload the machine. On the down side one is still on the floor turning one’s head from basket of wet clothes to window depicting washing line, back and forth in a bemused manner. One still cannot get up, or carry a washing basket so the only alternative is to crawl, pushing the laundry in front or towing it behind using one of the Beloved’s ties as a towrope.
Once in the garden it is actually possible to hoist oneself to standing using the pole of the washing line. And using a spare bit of line (should one have such a thing to hand) one can lash oneself to the pole and thus have a stable base from which to hang the laundry. Except it is now impossible to reach as one is lashed to pole and basket is on ground.
In a final exciting twist of ingenuity one kicks over the basket with good foot, sending clothes flying across the grass and thus allowing them to dry. Sadly one is now lashed to a pole being scraped down in a purple-back situation as good foot has disappeared from under one.
Laundry 1 – Disabled Person 0
And this is what I’m saying. Disabled people deserve a refund. If it takes them five times the amount of time to perform an ordinary task then I think they are entitled to a refund of 4 minutes for every one minute everyone else gets.
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So, I know you are all curious, how is the purple foot? Broken. Yes well and truly broken. I finally took the advice of a wise and noble friend.
She came to visit, took one look at the offending purpleness, shoved me into her car and shoved me out again at the hospital.
After only 3 hours I emerge with the most ridiculous plaster on my leg for one very broken metatarsal. I feel like someone from a 1950s hospital comedy. Look:
1 comment:
Now you have something in common with Wayne Rooney, Steven Gerrard, David Beckham, Gary Neville, Roy Keane, Ashley Cole, and Michael Owen. The Beloved ought to be impressed. Shame you don't get paid what that lot get paid.
Just as well Physicist has driving licence...
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