What Never to Feed Your Cat

There didn’t seem to be much wrong with snotty cat. In fact he wasn’t even snotty. He was obviously just on a diet. For he eschewed the usual offerings of Tesco ever-so-nice little sachets of food that to me looked so disgusting that for once I actually agreed with the cat on something.

Usually, you understand, cat and I are polar opposites when it comes to topics like: Politics - he believes in a dictatorship (him) whereas I tend towards pure anarchy. Religion – he believes in one god (him) whereas I tend towards a more agnostic point of view. Obviously when he proves once and for all that he is God I will acknowledge his deityness with all the usual show of bowing and prostration but until then I will attempt to remain simply respectful.
Childrearing – he believes children are for the provision of laps and extra food whereas I tend towards the provision of laptops and extra food.
Death – he is of the let’s only live 9 times school of thought whereas I have yet to decide.
And finally Food – he believes that food is the god-given right of every cat. You can see how his reasoning is flawed here because if he is God then he should be providing his own food. Yet I provide the food, ergo, I am God.

That small point of philosophy cleared up back to the cat’s diet. This is what happened:
Cat refuses Tesco food. I am surprised. Usually he eats anything.
Cat refuses food for a second time. I am more surprised
Cat refuses food for quite a long time. I assume he is on diet in preparation for his summer holiday next door.
Physicist comes back from holiday and comments ‘cat looking very thin.’ I nod knowingly. Yet small corner of doubt beginning to show. Physicist concerned re cat’s welfare.
I resort to buying Kitekat, whose slogan is ‘as good as it looks’. Shit then. Yet… cat eats it. Or rather the first meal of it. Then cat refuses even Kitekat.
Sister and nephew come to visit ‘cat looking very thin’ they comment. I nod knowingly. Some concern that the cat is going to die of starvation. I explain about possible forthcoming holiday and possible need to wear speedo and impress all the cats next door. Nephew explains that they feed their cat Whiskas.

Well, it is a well known fact that once you go down the slippery Whiskas slope there is no turning back. Once a cat has tasted Whiskas it will eat nothing else. They put something addictive in it (possibly cocaine, heroine or chocolate).

‘Yes,’ pipes up the physicist, ‘he likes Whiskas.’
‘WHAT?’ I exclaim ‘Who has been feeding him Whiskas?’
It transpires that whilst I was stranded by floods the beloved did. Judas. Finally I bow to the pressure of all members of family thinking cat is going to die.

He eats the Whiskas.
He eats more Whiskas.
He eats more and more Whiskas.
The bank balance plummets.
He has in fact starved himself to the point of near death in order to get his fix of Whiskas.

Never, never, never knowingly feed your cat Whiskas if you don’t want to starve yourself to near death by the whole of your grocery budget being taken up by expensive and addictive cat food.

In grateful thanks for all the Whiskas the cat shits on the bathroom floor. I may yet resort back to the going on holiday theory.