How Not to New Year

It was New Year last night. Or rather it is New Year. And it will probably continue to be New Year until the year is deemed to be in some state of toddlerhood. February I think.

Although the whole New Year thing is some strange construct constructed by some strange bods (Roman I suspect) it does have a preponderance to induce a certain amount of perpondering on topics such as the previous year, last year and what effect last 365 days has had on one’s life.

A quick glance reveals that 2007 was shit. However an in depth and scientific analysis reveals otherwise. Science is a great comfort.

This is what happened:

I thought I should write a New Year blog post. Since it was New Year. And my fans were missing me. Because I had run out of words. Divorce does that to people. There are billions of divorced people who have been struck dumb by the process but never mention it.

I thought I should write a New Year blog post. You know, one of those ‘reviews of the year’ one gets so much on television. Being short of celebrities I thought I might simply look back to the beginning of the blog (which is of course now a celebrity itself).

I did that. You can do that yourself but I will save you the bother by telling you that it was a list of things I should do before I’m 50. Which is in a few years. Or possibly in a few years more than that if you believe my spin-doctors. Or me.

This was list:

Do a press-up without collapsing in an undignified heap -
Which I can now do! The heap is entirely dignified.

Bake a cake without forgetting it’s in the oven and burning it -
Which I can now do (or at least I haven’t burnt a single cake this year)(mostly because I’ve bought them from the Coop)

Play the chord of F (F is for fuck-this-is-a-difficult-chord) - This hasn’t quite been so successful as now I can’t even remember how to open the guitar case.

‘The Head of the Cow’ (obscure yoga pose) - Which I can now do. HA! (that’s the involuntary noise that occurs during this pose)

Get married - Well, I did the next best thing – got divorced.

Learn to Salsa Dance - Again, the next best thing – broke my foot.

Drive all the way around Coryton roundabout without stopping for a red light -
Done. Stopped by police. But done.

Finish my novel - Done! It’s a pile of unreadable shit but it has sufficient words to qualify as a novel.

Walk into a room and remember why I’m there - since I now hobble into rooms I consider this ambition achieved.

Understand what a comma splice is – Yes, I, think, so.

Be a famous and rich novelist - Too ambitious so am striking this from list.

Empathise with slugs – No problem. Another totally positive aspect of divorce.

Make love in a swimming pool/lake/body of water that isn’t the bath - I have now amended this to just ‘make love’

Ski - now amended to ‘watch tv’

Like olives – now amended to ‘like’

Remember where I have put the car keys – Yes. Safe, secure and locked in the car.

Write a blog – Yes. I think so. Mostly. Aside from when I didn’t.


So, after a careful count of 2007 successes and failures the score is:
Successes – Mostly.
Failures – Hardly any.

Obviously I now hope that 2008 will be filled with just as many outstanding successes.

Coming soon – A new list of 50 things to do before I’m 50.
Which will include learning how to count to 50.

Happy New Year