How to Tell if Someone Fancies You – The Reprise

Yes, we are back on the BIG question. The question that more people find my blog through than any other question ever asked of Google. The question that supersedes the ‘Life the Universe and Everything’ question, the question that is more important than ‘Did God or Douglas Adams Make the World?’ the question that may even outrank ‘Where did I Leave My Glasses?’:

‘How Can I Tell if Someone Fancies Me?’

Since now 1,589,235 folk have asked this question of me I feel it my moral duty to try and answer it in the most up to date and scientific way possible. Using Quantum Physics.

Let us first consider first principles:

It is understood that in the realms of Quantum Physics that there are ‘observables’. These are –

Energy:
Does the target of your question move? If he/she has life then there is obviously hope. If they are moving towards you in a slow and controlled manner then there is definitely hope (as long as they don’t miss and continue to travel in a slow and controlled manner out of the nearest door/window/porthole). If they are moving away from you at a sufficient spend to cause a noticeable Doppler shift then you might want to realign your sights a tad.

Position:
If the target person is either horizontal or vertical and at a distance (anything over six inches is considered a distance in Quantum terms) from you then that bodes a little ill. If they are horizontal or vertical and in direct contact that’s a good sign, especially if they are naked. If your target person varies in angle between zero degrees and 360 degrees then they are probably drunk and you need to repeat the experiment on a more auspicious day.

Momentum:
Does your target person have momentum? If yes then be careful. If no then go home.

All the above can be either ‘continuous’ or ‘discreet’. The more discreet they are obviously the more difficult it is to judge just the extent of the Energy, Position and Momentum. Discretion, although the better part of valour, is in this case a pain in the arse. If you are experiencing a pain in the arse (and that’s not your sort of thing) then my advice is give up the question in question because even if they do fancy you it is all going to go horribly wrong with possible chaffing and visits to chemists.

Another problem that we in the Quantum Physics world (I’ve just awarded myself a higher degree in Quantum Physics on the simple principal that if my daughter is to have one, and the well know truism ‘Mother knows best’ holds true it is therefore completely possible, nay, probable that I too should have a pretentious qualification in what is, let’s face it, not so much a science as an elaborate guessing game) is that everything, including one’s fate, one’s target fanciable person, and the whereabouts of one’s glasses are essentially unpredictable and random.

It’s interesting, isn’t it, how, although on the surface Quantum Physics sounds unlikely, when one delves into it it transpires to be remarkably applicable to everyday life.

So, with that in mind, why not emulate the famous Quantum Thought Experiment that so many cats have enjoyed to discover just whether or not he/she fancies you?

This is how to do it:

Imagine your target person in a box. Obviously it is better to use a larger box than Mr Schrodinger favoured as you are putting a person in the box and not your best feline friend. Or if you are going down the cat route there are a lot easier ways to make a cat fancy you than a person. Use cat food.

Next understand the very important bit, the Quantum Physicsy bit. At this exact moment, and all the time that the box is shut and you are not peeping in any way, the person simultaneously fancies you and doesn’t fancy you. And is also simultaneously dead and alive.

Next open the box.

All will be revealed.

These are the possibilities:

1. Person is dead and did fancy you
2. Person is dead and didn’t fancy you
3. Person is alive and doesn’t fancy you
4. Person is alive and does fancy you.

As any amateur mathematician and us people with higher degrees in Quantum Physics can observe there is only a one in four chance of a favourable outcome.

I have a better idea. Which, for reasons that are quite inexplicable, Mr Schrodinger seems to have overlooked: Don’t open the box. Then it is absolutely certain that the person is alive and fancies you. As all the possibilities are still possible.

Should you have accidentally opened the box, drilled a small hole to look through or inadvertently left your webcam in there don’t worry. According to Mr Everett (not Kenny, Hugh) everything actually happens. So should the object of your desire shun you, break your heart and generally not cooperate with your well-planned fantasies then you have the consolation of knowing that somewhere, out there, in a parallel universe, all your dearest hopes dreams and desires are being fulfilled. You just don’t happen to be there.