Soulmates – Fact of Fiction?

There has been a great deal of discussion (well I talked about it briefly) as to whether such a thing as a soulmate exists.

As the leading proponent of how to use science to solve all relationship conundrums I will attempt to answer this difficult question that has been puzzling philosophers, physicists, agony aunts and readers of the Guardian for the last however many millennia using only an apple, the power of thought and some abstruse logic.

First let us define our terms:
Soulmate = ‘the one and only other half of one's soul, for which all souls are driven to find and join.’ Or, to broaden the definition slightly, ‘a soul with whom another soul gets along with ok.’

Exist = ‘has its being’ or, looking more deeply into the definition, ‘I think/worry/feel hugely insecure because I can’t find my soulmate therefore I am’.

So, the concept is, that out there, in the ether (some debate as to whether the ether exists but we will come to that another day) there is a person who, essentially, is your other half, who completes you, who you might survive the next twenty years with without doing each other severe damage.

The ether is a big place. Very much larger than Wales.

But don’t despair, or despair any more than you already are. Because soulmates do exist. This has been proved by a very clever man called Bohr. We are not holding either of those three facts against him.

This is what he discovered:

Even though objects may be spatially separated they are quantumly linked. When one spins one way the other spins the other and visa versa.
This is called Quantum Entanglement.
Quantums are actually quanta.
Because there’s more than one of them.
Because they are entangled.
Quanta are very small.
Everything is made of quanta.
It is not the same as quorn.
Therefore you, I, we, the Queen, Mary Poppins and one are all made of quanta.
Therefore we are entangled.
Soulmates exist.

Like it or not.