Sunday 6 April 2008

How Not to Meditate

Last night I watched a program about meditation. I have found my true path in life, I shall follow in the steps of Kathy Sykes (for she too is a scientist). I have decided to become a more spiritual person.

Gone are all my previous aspirations to run a business, be very rich, general world domination and evil baddie laughter. Shunned are my desires for yachts, palaces, new tiles in the bathroom and a tin-opener that actually opens tins as opposed to just denting them in artistic manners. For therein does not lie the path to true happiness.

My new bywords are ‘calm’, ‘peace’ ‘que sera sera’ ‘carpe diem’ and ‘ex-libris’. Gone are ‘fuck’, ‘fucked’, ‘fucking’, ‘fucking hell’ and ‘botheration’. For therein does not lie the path to true happiness.

So instead I am meditating.

I’ve learnt a lot.

Here are a few meditation do’s and don’ts:

Do think of nothing.
Don’t think of what’s for dinner.
Do think of nothing.
Don’t think about the burning smells.
Do think of nothing.
Don’t let both you legs go to sleep so when you stand up you don’t.
Do think of nothing.
Don’t think about the smoke alarms’ unpleasant noise.
Do keep your mind very empty.
Don’t stop breathing.
Do remember that you die if you don’t breathe.
Don’t speculate about smoke.
Do keep calm.
Don’t wonder about the crackling noises.
Do not panic.

Gone are my desires for worldly goods, food, kitchens, houses. For therein does not lie the path to true happiness. Gone are my desires for partners, soulmates, sex, love, with only one small exception – firemen. For therein lies the path to true happiness.

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