How Not to Take Advice – Or How To Get a Man To Fancy You

There are a number of things I’d like to know, these include, (obviously),
‘How to tell if a man fancies me?’
Why would I want a man to fancy me?’
‘How to get a man to fancy me?’
‘Wherefore art thou Romeo’
and, the thing that I really really want to know:

‘How the hell do I get the fucking cat hair of every last piece of furniture/item of clothing/person in the house?’

I have cats. I love them. Mostly.

The times I don’t love them is when they bring me things like dead things, half-dead things and things that really should be dead. And when they eat the Physicist’s Very Important Friend’s blueberry muffin. And the whole hair thing.

But I have an answer. Or rather, I have something that has the answer. My google iPage ‘How To’ gadget.

I typed in ‘How to Remove Cat Hairs’

This is what happened:

The first article told me to get a roll of sticky tape and roll the tape on my hand and roll my hand on the hair.
I did that.
Now I’m typing one-handed.

The second article was entitled ‘How to Get Cat Hair Off Your Tongue’, it went thus:
1. Swallow the cat hair half-way, so it is still in your throat.
2. Move your tongue along where the hair is, to move it on the side of your mouth.
3. Get the hair on the tip of your tongue.
4. Pick it off with your hand.
I got as far as 1. I tried 4. and removed most of my tongue with the tape.

The third article was entitled ‘How to Shave a Cat’. Now that sounded like a sensible solution. A certain amount of flailing and general cat tussling ensued. However the cat, for reasons best know to itself, objected.

Another solution was to bathe the cat. Same problem as the shaving really.

Now, not only is every surface of the house covered in cat hair, so am I.

Finally it offered me ‘How to do Animal Makeup’. I painted my face as a cat, I am covered in fur.

I googled ‘Do Men Like Cats?’

A certain Franny Syufy assured me ‘Real Men Love Cats’

Fucking sorted.