Friday 25 April 2008

How to Tell If a Man is Single Using Kepler's Laws of Planetary Motion

There’s someone in Australia that I’m a bit worried about. I don’t know who it is. A woman I highly suspect. So we’ll call her she. She is confused and bewildered, as are most of us. Or most of me. She has been trying to find out how to tell if a man is single. By reading this blog. Yet I’m yet to inform my confused public how to tell if a man is single. But I’ve been there. So in a reverse piece of Googling I feel beholden to pontificate upon this subject:

How to Tell If a Man is Single Using Kepler's Laws of Planetary Motion

Kepler was a chap. So already we can infer he knew something of the matter. He married a 25 year old woman who was already widowed twice over. Already we can infer that he was a reckless chap. And married.

He invented some relevant laws about bodies moving in orbits about two focal points which we might apply here to answer our question.

Law 1: A body might move in an ellipse with two focal points. So what we need to discover is does the body in question obey a Keplerian orbit or does he adhere to the old fashioned ideas of Aristotle and Ptolemy?

How to test:
Does the body in question move elliptically? Tip: The essential difference between an ellipse and a circle is the degree of squashiness.

Law 2: The body moves faster when away from the foci.

How to test:
Measure the exact speed of entrance and exit. Next measure the staying rate. Which is greater?

Law 3: The body moves faster if the foci are further apart.

How to test:
Move yourself further away from where you suspect the other focus is. Tip: If you think the other focus is on the far side of town then you go to Antarctica, Timbuktu or Rhyl. Repeat Test 2.

Obviously there is some maths involved here. If you feel you are not good at calculations then use an observational technique:

Does the body in question come straight to you from any given point?
Does the body in question give a straight answer?
Does the body in question leave straight away?

Finally, if you find yourself asking yourself ‘Is he single?’ you probably already know the answer without reference to any sort of science.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

This post is not only highly amusing but also extremely helpful as well. I won't touch on the practicality of the advice proffered, as I can't say I've ever been curious to know if a man was single or not, but you've done a great service to all the budding scientists of the world. I've always had problems remembering lists in science; I can remember the isolated facts, but when it comes time to recite lists of related laws I'm quite hopeless. Quite sad considering the reasons those lists of related laws are taught is to help one remember the otherwise isolated facts... Anyway, your post is surely going to help me remember the laws of planetary motion. Now instead of trying to remember the laws by envisioning a planet in orbit I'll envision of a drunk guy moving about in an ellipse with a girl as one of the foci and a cooler full of beer bottles as the other. Thanks! Please do the laws of thermodynamics next.

Ceci said...

Thank you Byran. I am considering the laws of thermodynamics now, although Flanders and Swann did it pretty well with their 'First and Second Law' song. I just tried to find it on youtube but couldn't.

Ceci said...

actually, now I realise that I have mentioned this already http://ceciliamorreau.blogspot.com/2007/06/how-to-understand-entropy-and-its.html
although in a different context

Anonymous said...

Excellent! I'll be sure to search through your archives before posting any more of my bright ideas.

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