Novel Writing, or How to Write a Novel, and How to Write Poetry Too. In Fact How to Write Stuff.

Firstly, sorry to have neglected my loyal readers. I was busy. This is why:

I am writing a novel.
I am also writing a collection of poetry (which means lots of poems. The collective noun for poems is a ‘collection’).
I am writing a novel and a collection of poetry and doing an MPhil.
This is more cunning than it sounds because I am writing a novel and a collection of poetry for my MPhil. Cunning eh? And somewhat unbelievable too. Who in their right mind would award someone an academic qualification for simply making something up as you go along? For this is the essence of novel writing. And very much more the essence of poetry. The other essence of novel writing is that it is long. Very long. Extremely long. Longer than a piece of string. Longer than an ocean liner. Longer than waiting in the hospital to have an ultrasound scan when you are required to drink pints and pints of water and NOT allowed to go to the toilet. (You can see how time distortion works when in such a situation.)

The last few days was where these two activities (writing and MPhil not lack of urination and ocean liners) have come together in a feast of workshops, bad coffee, reading other people’s very long novels and staying up very late pretending to be clever and literary. I say pretending because, although writing may have been mentioned in passing, in fact we were drunkenly singing such delightful ditties and ‘Twist and Shout’ (a lyrically profound song) and ‘House of the Rising Sun’ (a ballad so lyrically disastrous that has previously killed many a patient listener).

The actual workshops, attended by actual academic staff, were, of course, much more serious. A great deal of time was spent discussing the literary significance of the erect vs the flaccid penis as featured in Anne’s story. Another topic of equal profundity was how to write a good sex scene without it sounding clichéd. Here is the answer – don’t. It takes some clever people to come up with this sort of thing.

Many things were learnt by all participants about how to write a novel. Here are a few:
It has to be long (as mentioned above).
It should probably have a plot.
If it doesn’t have a plot be sure to put a lot of clever words in.
If you don’t do clever words and still don’t have a plot then rearrange all the chapters/paragraphs/words such that either of the above magically emerge.
It should have a title (mine hasn’t so it will never be published).
If you ever want to get it published don’t hold your breath.
Holding your breath can be bad.
Holding your sanity is a waste of time for a novelist.

Not all my fellow Mphillers are writing novels. Some (including myself as I swing either way and have never been the least bit skilled at making decisions) are writing collections of poetry. Here are a few things that poets need to know about writing:
Poems are short.
They can be very short.
It needn’t make any sense as long as it sounds clever and you can quickly make up what it means if asked.
If it appears to actually make sense then rearrange all the words and lines until it looks a tad confusing and thus ever so clever.
The lines are not meant to reach the other side of the page.
If the lines reach the other side of the page you are writing prose and therefore have to write a fuck of a lot more than that.
If you ever think you will be published you are living in cloud-cuckoo land and stand a better chance of actually discovering a land made of clouds and cuckoos.
Sanity is a very bad thing for a poet. Don’t bother.