How You Probably Shouldn’t Write a CV

I’ve applied for a job. Not, you understand, that I don’t already have a job. I have several. But this was a special kind of job. With the circus. With a company that is not run by me. I believe this will make a refreshing change. I have every intention of letting someone else tell me what to do and saying ‘yes sure’ and doing their bidding as I am bid. I may even say ‘yes, sure, boss.’ But that might be getting carried away. Should I get the job that is. Otherwise it will not be a refreshing change. Obviously. Things will carry on as normal with me telling people what to do and them saying ‘yes, sure.’ And then a completely random selection of doings will happen. Some better than I asked.

So, I had to write a CV. Now, being a person of an organised nature I of course already had a CV more or less to hand. I read it. I was not impressed. Improvements were needed:

I started at the beginning. As one does. Generally. There was an old photo of me which I cunningly replaced with a new photo of me which I had equally cunningly photoshopped out many of the wrinkles. How I expect to fool the recipients of this CV with that I have no idea since they saw me in person with the requisite amount of facial distortions only days ago. But maybe they forgot. Or didn’t look very closely.

Then I attempted to conceal my age by not mentioning it and simply describing myself as ‘of a certain age’. This again, is unlikely to fool people who know that I have a daughter who is about to embark on the high life of physics at a certain well-know academic institution of higher learning and quads. (who, by the way, don’t have normal autumn spring and summer terms but have Michaelmas, Hilary and something else odd that I have forgotten terms. Who the fuck is Hilary and why does she get her own academic term?)

Instead of enumerating chronologically my life’s works, (which would frankly take so long to read the poor recipients of my CV would die of old age, be buried, go to heaven, reincarnate as a better life form (probably a lava lamp or possibly the London Eye) and lead a lengthy and successful life as an inanimate object before they had got up to the part when I was aged 30), I made a sort of list-style CV.

I listed achievements, which included being nearly able to tango.
I listed key skills, which included writing lists.
I listed IT skills, which included being able to type quite quickly.

I mentioned a few good reasons that they might like to hire me, such as me being slightly financially embarrassed, me liking them and me being jolly interested in the circus.

CV writing is tricky stuff. I hope I get the job.