Heaven is Always Non-Smoking - Bollocks

Whilst innocently driving to the physios I was accosted by a large pink fluorescent sign on a church declaring ‘Heaven is Always Non-Smoking’. Well, you can imagine my disappointment. How can that be? I asked myself. Obviously there is a strong case for Hell being Smoking. What with all the fires etc there is bound to be a few fumes knocking around. But surely heaven shouldn’t be so restrictive. What about personal freedom? Eternal life? St Peter’s penchant for cigars?

We in the school of Aardvarkism have a very different idea of the promised land. Now I’m not sure exactly what sect this particular and particularly tasteless sign belonged to but I am sure it wasn’t Aardvarkism. For the Aardvarkeist heaven is, well, heavenly. All those things that we attempt to abstain from here on earth are available in abundance, with great profusion and with knobs in the Aardvarkism afterlife. It is written in one of the various sacred texts that:

‘the sun shines every day
On the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees’ (Verse 2, The Gospel BRCM)
and from the same gospel
‘you never change your socks
And the little streams of alcohol come a-trickling down the rocks’ (Verse 4)
there is also mention of lakes of whisky and ‘hanging the jerk that invented work’.

The promised land features a great deal in the word of Aardvark and items such as chocolate, cocaine, deep-fried curly wurlies, free love, those little biscuits with very hard icing on top, free sex, joints the size of the Eiffel tower and CIGARETTES are all freely available and located in convenient places like trees, streams, on the ground, and floating about weightlessly. There are naturally none of the earthly consequences like fatness, slightly putrid breath, social ostracisation, cold sores, hurting other people’s feelings and of course, death.

It all seems hugely logical to me. If it is heaven we are already dead, ergo why not enjoy ourselves? Praise be to Aardvark the bringer of the good news. Heaven COULD BE smoking if that’s how you fancy it.