My eldest daughter has just undergone three days of custard. She hasn’t eaten it, she has experimented with it. This is what A level physicists get up to these days. Outrageous really. When I did my A level physics project I experimented with something sensible – Blue Tac to be precise.
Custard is a non-Newtonian liquid. This means that Newton never ate custard. It also means that custard is the anarchist of the liquid world. It refuses to adhere to any of the normal laws of physics. It also refuses to adhere to the normal laws of the EU, but is not unique amongst liquids for this - baked-bean juice, melted Maltesers and baby-sick are also European law-breakers. In fact the only thing that custard does adhere to is all surfaces it comes into contact with (as my patio, kitchen, bathroom, hallway and daughter will testify).
For anyone not familiar with the fun to be had with custard this is what happens (note this applies to uncooked instant custard, which is basically cornflour) – If you approach it slowly and sufficiently stealthily, in the manner of a cat stalking a ping pong ball, then the custard is a liquid. However, if you rush it, like the sort of man we prefer not to sleep with, it is a solid.
This leads to all kinds of exciting uses for raw custard. A popular one is to hide angry people’s belongings in. Because they are inclined to grab for things in a hurried fashion they cannot ever access their keys, glasses, condoms etc because they discover that the custard that their loved ones have secreted their things in is completely solid!
However the most popular use of custard is for running on. If you run sufficiently fast and sufficiently stompily then, yes, you are running on a liquid! There are those that believe that the Sea of Galilee was basically custard.
So this is the obvious and indisputable conclusion – we can save the world by turning more of the earth’s seas into custard. The fish and so on would still be able to swim because they go quite slowly, but people could simply walk cross oceans (provided they went quickly enough) and the need for planes, ships and rowing dingies would be obviated. Thus we would reduce global warming and save the world. And should global warming occur, despite these endeavours, we could simply eat the ocean.
If you don’t believe me here is an example of running on a non-newtonian liquid
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2XQ97XHjVw
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2 comments:
Yes, I am driven to make my own comments, but it's not actually my comment, I am simply commenting on my beloved's behalf as he can't be arsed.
He maintains that custard has already saved the world as most men of his generation consumed a great deal of custard and since the world hasn't ended yet it means that custard-consuming men in their forties must have saved it.
This seems like spurious logic to me.
I was in Las Vegas last year, and being the adventurous sort I thought I'd seek out the Golden Sins House of Xtreme Adult XXX Entertainment (TM).
I turned up at the door and was ushered in by a decidedly androgonous creature who told me that for a fixed fee I could wander at will through the various "exhibitions". "Bargain" I thought. So I went into the first room and there I saw an interesting combination of man, woman and cling film. "Mild" was my opinion. In the next room I was invited to join in some gorilla on gorilla action, but I declined, finding that sort of thing quite primative. The third chamber held an interesting tableau depicting scenes from the life of Catharine the Great. "Beastly" thought I. The fourth room was nursery themed ("Childish"), the fifth took bathroom functions into the bedroom, while the sixth was more a torture garden than a perfumed one. On reaching the seventh room I discovered that it contained nothing but a man whose male member was engaged in vigorous activity with a bowl of yellow, viscous liquid. This was something totally new to my experience. "My good man" I cried "whatever are you doing? And is it nice?" and he replied: "I'm juss a country boy from out in them backwoods and I never see much o' the big bad worl', so I took me my chance to come a Vegas an' see whass really goin' on. So I buys me a ticket to this place and man, I was shocked. I seen obscene activites with saranwrap, I seen apes doing things like I never saw on the Discovery channel, I see a fine mustang stallion riding a lady, which if you doesn't know is the wrong way roun'. That just ain't right! And if that weren't vile enough I then sees a grown man wearing nothin' but diapers and then a woman with the strangest leather chaps hogtying and spreadeaglin' a man. An' him begging her to tie him tighter! I saw all these things and I tell you man they'se all wrong, they'se vile, and man I tell you I'm just fuck-ing dis-cust-ed.
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